| take it back... |
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| 06:43pm 18/05/2007 |
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mood:  cynical music: the ataris [not capable of love]
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You know, I've never been much for the Ataris, but this song rocks.
You know you've had too much to drink when, at 9AM, you're still wasted as you drive to work. By the time I counted the registers, ate a granola bar, and chugged a bottle of water, I almost felt like myself again.
What am I doing, anyway? |
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| and this bottle of beast is taking me home... |
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| 02:36pm 17/05/2007 |
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mood:  hungry music: dashboard [screaming infidelities]
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I think Eric is going to get facebook, since he's going to be gone all summer.
Finally, the void on my page will be filled.
Who am I in a relationship with? It's not a secret anymore!
In other news, I am starvin like marvin, grrrrrrl!
PS: This song reminds me of being wasted with Ashley and screaming at the top of our lungs in our teeny ass vehicles. |
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| i am fucking done with this shit |
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| 07:35pm 14/05/2007 |
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mood:  naughty music: midtown [your love]
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Come and get me, fatass.
Big, confrontational, manipulative MITs don't scare me. I don't particularly have anything to lose.
And I know lots of things he doesn't know. Neeener neeeener neeeener. |
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| we never lost control... |
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| 10:26am 13/05/2007 |
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mood: cranky music: david bowie [the man who sold the world]
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Briefly, because I have to work [WHAT??], I think Mojo will be ok. I hope.
And all this arguing with Eric is exhausting, but he acts like I'm being the bitch for having to sit through his bitchy ass girl friend's dirty looks, bitchy comments, and gossiping about MY friends right fucking next to me. GRR!! I'm not mad at him about it, but I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to be mad. And if the guys I hung out with on a regular basis treated him like that, I'd flip shit and stand up for him.
So we had a HUGE HUGE HUGE blow up last night. Great.
I'll take my relationship on the rocks, please.
Wish it wasn't, it's exhausting, but something's not right. If we make it to next week when he leaves, this summer will definitely make or break us. |
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| see myself molded in clay... |
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| 08:25am 10/05/2007 |
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mood:  contemplative music: alice in chains [angry chair]
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Maybe, when I become a writer, I'll also become an alcoholic, because I journal drunk all he freakin' time.
And sometimes it makes sense.
But what I was saying about passion is true. I only want people around me who have things that they're passionate about, even if its little things, like my obsession with grunge rock, wikipedia, Mojo, beer pong, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and NASCAR.
Britt loves to paint, and Grey's Anatomy, and the Spfd Cardinals.
Sarah is obsessed with beer pong, too, and dogs, and helping save every homeless animal EVER, and good clean scents.
My friends are fantastic, and I couldn't ask for a better situation after Ash had to move and Elaine had Mason. I couldn't be stuck in Spfd alone all summer with a better crew of girls.
And now, time for my last Spanish class at OTC.
And then Midnight is chopping my hair off and fixing my eyebrows. GIRLY!!! |
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| i'm a fucking jackass |
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| 01:45am 10/05/2007 |
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mood:  drunk music: nin [everyday is exactly the same]
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me: "so I said, 'Bye!' but I was thinking don't get into a really bad car accident or anything."
matt: "you better buckle your seatbelt tonight."
me: "are you kidding? i wished getting a fat girl pregnant and AIDS on my old ex boyfriend and I still haven't caught an STD or gotten knocked up, which is proof that either God isn't listening or he doesn't give a shit when I'm being glib."
amen baby Jesus.
tonight: seth's 23rd, but other than that very tame.
I didn't even make anyone cry.
ps: dig myself out of one hole and right into another one...
at least they're temporary and fixable, eh? haha.
it's hard to care though.
and my final drunken thought o' the evening: passion is paramount.
why are people so afraid of that?!?!
and finally, kitty tried to lick on sarah's puss.
my cat is a WHORE!! |
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| and i'm sorry everyday... |
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| 09:21pm 07/05/2007 |
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mood:  distressed music: jimmy eat world [23]
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So I hardly got any sleep last night. I stressed and stressed and stressed, which kept me awake for hours.
And then that dream, which still bothers me nearly everytime I close my eyes. It was one of the most realistic, gruesome, and gritty dreams I have ever had in my life. I can still see his body hanging in the brick archway between the two buildings atop a small rise, I can still feel the eerie feeling I had when I stepped outside and all of the cars were gone, like Elaine had told me. It makes me feel queasy.
More later, I'm going to Eric. Only a little more than a dozen nights left. :(
This song is something else... reminds me of me in more ways than one. |
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| i had to think a while... |
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| 09:09am 07/05/2007 |
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mood: drained music: modest mouse [ocean breathes salty]
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Briefly, because I have to shower and work [after the worst night's sleep I've EVER HAD] I had the most terrible dream.
I dreamt that I ran into this guy I used to like at the cafeteria in the place that was supposed to be OTC and I said hey, and he said hey, and then Elaine called while I was walking to class and asked if I remembered him, and I said I had just run into him, and she said he had hung himself and all classes were cancelled, and I turned around and the parking lots were empty and I saw him hanging in a hallway.
EEEK!
oh, PS, Sarah and I saw a ghost last night. |
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| i get lonely too... |
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| 02:33am 03/05/2007 |
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mood: drunk music: the eagles [ i can't tell you why]
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so evans's g/f wants to fight me.
GREAT.
this is what i get for playing pool.
i don't want somebody's boyfriend. i thought i was making that clear.
why do i INVITE CONTROVERSY???
fuck fuck fuck. claire: i do NOT want derek and he doesn't want me.
i made some girl CRY for playing pool w/ her boyfriend at ray's. shit shit shit.
i feel terrible.
i
hate
my
life
sometimes
going to bed w/ moj. fuck this. my bff is my pitbull/lab mix. less hormones. |
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| but they don't know where and they don't know when... |
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| 07:11pm 02/05/2007 |
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music: arcade fire [keep the car running]
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Work is pissing me off.
Everyone but Matt and I are in KC and we have all of this SHIT to do. And we're ridiculously short staffed [well, today]. Oh well. At least it keeps me busy busy busy.
Our house is a menagerie. Sady, Mojo, Kitty, Bella... eeek! This dog is super sweet, we love her, but we have GOT to find her a home.
Let's see... my personal life is kind of a train wreck. Some of it is way too personal for this [ie: my family's problems that spill over into my life because I love them] and then there's Eric leaving for DC. This impending departure dismays me. My boyfriend is going to be spending all summer with bloodythirtsy, well traveled, educated, soul-less poltical whores. I'll be in Spfd... working... drinking... and working. Gee. Its not that I don't trust him, its that I don't even want to have to worry or think about it. Say we go on a break--Oh, I'll worry anyway.
But, really, everything's going fairly well. I have a lot to look forward to [MSU, Elaine's wedding, no school all summer, Sarah's big 2-1, people visiting me] and I'm finally facing forward AND going in that direction.
Sarah is pointing out all of Moj's bone crushing, killer teeth. Comforting. That's my snugglebuddy, the babyeater. |
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| layin' low, wanna take it slow... |
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| 01:57pm 30/04/2007 |
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mood: dirty music: alice in chains [no excuses]
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Christ, I am never going to get anything accomplished if all I do is sleep!
Came home last night, made stellar time going 80 in little "safety packs." Oooh, and I made a biker friend. We kept passing each other and he blew me kisses. Ahhh, jeez. Screw Eric, I need a 60 year old biker. Rawr.
Came home and met Sady, the little doggie Sar rescued. What a cute dog, I hope we can pawn her off of someone we know so we can visit her. Looks like a lab/border collie [I'll post pictures in an effort to find her a home soon]. Very sweet, very timid. Grew on me, then Eric came over and was terrified. A man hit her, I know it. Animals gravitate towards Eric, my own animals like him nearly as much as they like me. But, no, Sady sat at my heels and ducked behind me when he got near. Pathetic. And it makes me so goddamn angry that people would beat a starve a puppy. Grr.
Anyway, let Mojo meet her w/ her muzzle on... not such a great idea. My dog is a social retard.
Reconnected with my boyfriend, and things are getting better. I missed him terribly while I was gone.
Came home this morning and slept some more. Now I must take a shower, because I'm a greaseball, and trek out to freakin' Fair Grove to get Mojo's replacement rabies tag [hers popped off one day and disappeared] and see if I can get her vaccination records printed up for me, just so I know.
Also, yo tengo mucha tarea, en espanol y musica. Bleh.
And we DID get pushed off of 40 because of Josh Hancock's accident. What a sad, sad thing.
Oh, and in other news, my sister has pretty much turned me into a NASCAR fan. It's pretty interesting and exciting. Its a fairly intricate sport, and with the restrictor plate they all run about the same speed, which makes it much more intense.
And besides, that Kasey Kahne is one good looking piece of man. |
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| 09:31am 30/04/2007 |
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mood:  blah
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So Eric is definitely going to DC.
Bummer.
I mean, I want him to go, I just don't want him to leave. And he'll be leaving in a few short weeks. Hmm. |
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| wow |
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| 02:48pm 29/04/2007 |
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mood:  shocked music: TV
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We had a bitchin' time last night. Ash and I headed into the bowels of St Louis city. Now That I've been a Springfieldian for so long that, quite honestly, the city terrifies me. Found our way to the gallery and got see Lindz's sculptures. They are very cool and very complex, and I just liked looking at them for the feeling of depth they gave. Me gusta.
Mary, Laura, Duncan, Lindz, Ash, and I headed to the Pepper lounge for some FOUR DOLLAR BUDLIGHT BOTTLES! Also, been a Springfieldian for so long that the idea of four dollar beer that isn't in a PITCHER sort of blows my mind. But, we enjoyed ourselves. Adawg and Nate came up, there was mucho dancing, some lemon drop shots, and catching up. It was beyond nice to see everyone again, especially since I haven't seen Mary and Laura since HS. We all got to catch up, and it seems like everyone is doing so well.
And then there's Duncan, or Lindsey's SLAM DUNK as I'll refer to him from here on. Lindsey's SLAM DUNK is hot, smart [future surgeon!], nice [spent time getting to know everyone, so personable, relates to everyone], and smart enough to be enamored by Lindsey [note: he called her his "one bright spot" in going to Des Moines. Way to score brownie points with the HS crew]. I was impressed. Go Lindsey, go!
The drive home was hellacious, got diverted off of 40, then back on, took Lindbergh to Manchester, stopped off at a gas station to pee, then 270 to 40 and FINALLY home. FINALLY!
Swore I wouldn't worry about the Eric to DC thing, but then got buzzed and did nothing but worry. I'm a worrier. I worry. All the fucking time. Mary said there's a 5-1 girl to guy ratio. Well shit.
Woke up at 1230, took D to Cracker Barrel, and now I'm getting ready to go home.
SHIT! Josh Hancock was killed last night. Poor Cardinals! I wonder if that's why I was diverted off 40... |
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| DC?? |
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| 11:42am 28/04/2007 |
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mood: dirty music: the tv
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So Eric called last night and said he had really good news that was really bad news:
Ben offered to get him ann internship in DC all summer.
Which is GREAT news... except its in DC.
So... who knows? We'll talk about it when I get home. Of course I want him to go, for a ton of reasons, including that it will be great for his future, it will open up some networking channels, and I'm hoping it might ignite his desire to travel and maybe want to live somewhere other than St Louis in the future.
But if he goes, I don't know if it'll be a break for us or what. Who knows.
Today: hanging w/ D and then downtown w/ Ass and the HS friends. |
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| home |
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| 12:44pm 27/04/2007 |
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mood: hungry music: the tube
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I'm home! Matt was kind enough to let me bounce at 5... got on the road about 6:15 and 3.5 hours later I was home. Sweet. I didn't get sleepy, I didn't die, and Mojo didn't fall out of the car so I'd say it was a success.
Mojo has been fairly well behaved, although I just caught her with paws up on the counter investigating my sister's kitchen. NAUGHTY NAUGHTY! I yelled, and she hit the floor instantly and sulked over to me looking remorseful. I have about 5 loads of laundry to do, and I just took the longest shower ever. Tonight I'm taking Dustin out to dinner and then hopefully drinking, tomorrow I want to take him to the Mills or something, and then go downtown, and Sunday I'm not doin' shit. Whooppeee!
Ok, laundry load numero uno is done.
Ooh, I'm going to eat Lion's Choice!! |
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| let's drive around the lake, just a little too fast... |
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| 10:45am 26/04/2007 |
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mood: content music: minus the bear [monkey!!! knife!!! fight!!!]
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I don't make any goddamn sense when I'm drunk, and who the fuck journals wasted?
I actually think I know what I want to happen in the next couple of weeks, I just need a plan of action to fix everything.
Sarah was right on when she said, "You want happy comfort, not bad comfort." This is true. I don't think I want to be with Eric out of complete complacency, I want to be with him because he's my best friend. I am just terrified of falling into that comfortable, casual trap where people become unhappy but unable to get out. I think I'm unhappy with things that have nothing to do with Eric, and he actually MAKES me happy.
Good stuff.
Junk food, my best girlfriend, and sneaking in a Diet Coke help with everything.
Oh, and snuggling with Mojo and waking up to Minus the Bear.
I cannot WAIT to go home!! |
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| louder now, right now... |
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| 08:27pm 25/04/2007 |
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mood: cranky music: taking back sunday [what's it feel like to be a ghost?]
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THIS PLACE IS A FUCKING WASTELAND!
No, seriously. Have sex with a few people in a four year span and you'll run into them or their pals every fucking day.
It makes me feel skanky for several reasons: I've been in a monogamous relationship for 2+ years, therefore, not been sleepin' around much lately, and it's not like I've had sex with some skyhigh number of men. But Spfd is compact, and they're everywhere.
EEEGADS!
Gross. I cannot wait to get out of this hellhole. I need a change of pace, and badly. 2 years!
And, the sad part is, the more I talk to JR, Matt, and Tyler, the more I realize I'm probably going to outlast them all at work. How depressing. More on these revelations later. |
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| oh, we have been warned... |
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| 10:29pm 24/04/2007 |
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mood: crushed music: doves [snowden]
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Question: Is it natural to put everyone's [including relatively unimportant people--in the grand scheme of things] feelings before my own?
Where's the drawn line on this subject?
Hmpf. |
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| we're the new face of failure... |
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| 09:55pm 24/04/2007 |
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mood: lazy music: fall out boy [i'm like a lawyer with the way i'm always trying to get you off]
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So...
I found out [thanks to the glory of facebook combined with boredom] that this guy that I had the WORST time getting over in HS is engaged now, and it freaks me out, inexplicably.
I might have mentioned this previously, but it still freaks me out, though I can't place my finger on WHY it freaks me out, you know? It's just weird. God, we're getting old if people are getting married and engaged and having babies.
My dog is my baby, my cat is like the stepchild [because of her habits of puking/peeing/destruction] and my relationship with Eric could implode next week for all I know. When did everyone else get so goddamn responsible, and when exactly do I need to catch up?
Seriously. I have NO IDEA what's going on anymore. I need to shake it up a little.
I guess this is expected. Once or twice a year I get sick of my relationships and who I am and I do some things to change, like dye my hair, go tan a lot, get a new wardrobe, pick up a new hobby or habit, and just change a little [I try not to fuck up my relationship during my weirdo change phase]. Maybe I need to dye my hair.
Or start up a coke habit. heehee.
Maybe I need to have a sweaty affair with a very sexy married guy who wears business suits all the time. Yowsas. ;) heehee.
I've already picked up a gym membership [as my new hobby]. I don't know. I think I'm just DONE with this town, and I have two more years here. Bummer. |
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ihavemojo's journal